My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
