also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
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Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
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If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
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