something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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