I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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