I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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