saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
