I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
