It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
