when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
