I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize