cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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