he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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