his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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