Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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