Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
