I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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