I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
