I am spending my child support on dildos
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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