If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
