omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Randomize
