my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
This is my gift to your gina
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
