Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
