porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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