i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
