He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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