She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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