forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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