R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Soap is not a condiment
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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