I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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