Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Randomize
