I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I'm really into asian looking animals
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
