my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
