I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
