they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
