i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
