if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
