My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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