you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
