so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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