i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
