Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
