i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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