Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
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So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
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Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
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