You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't trust your balls anymore.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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