Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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