Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
