When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
