Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
