Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
