Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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