I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
