eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
i think my cat just said my name.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
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