I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
