I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
