I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
