Will you blow on my dice?
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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