I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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